My sensual self has always been closely tied to music. Listening, singing, dancing have all helped me find the part of me that is confident in my sultry skin. And the more music I listen to on a daily basis, the more connected I am to my physical manifestation.
Cheesy boy bands, empowered feministas, soft folk lyricists, more strong rockin’ women, and then my line of preferred auditory inputs took a serious turn.
I now listen to kids songs. Almost exclusively.
I haven’t heard new music in two years. When my husband plays a song I don’t know, I feel so disconnected. And I don’t know any of them. The constant disconnection to something that has always been so close to my heart (physical? metaphorical? I’m not sure.) deadens my nerve endings a bit. I respond that much colder, or that much more slowly.
This could just be a season in my life. Something that will pass with time. The music I’ve enjoyed in the past is brimming with things I just don’t want my daughters to hear or repeat – so it doesn’t get played when they’re around. When they nap, I find myself either desperately struggling to keep them asleep or contentedly immersing myself in the silence. By the time they’re in bed, I’m just not much for dancing or singing aloud.
Could I just have grown past the music? Matured right out of part of my identity? I lost my single, independent self when I got married. Lost more of my independence and my arrogance when I had my eldest. By now, I laugh I about how different I am from the person I once was, but I’m not sure I’m happy about any of the individual changes.
Maybe some. The return to being responsible for another person is fine. Letting go of selfishness is certainly not a problem. But what of that energy? The vibrant pulse of life that built in my chest when my hips moved to a drum beat? I don’t want that to go away.
I’ve never even bothered to load music on my computer. I never seem to listen to it, so what’s the point?
Maybe it’s time for a really solid playlist. Some old favorite artists (minus the boy bands) and classic songs. With a little work and patience I should be able to find songs that are appropriate for my kids to hear right? Without withering into a mushy pile of corporate wuss tunes?
Yet another project for this winter. The long, cold, dark, dreariness that I will not let into my heart.